Little Harry's House

May 20, 2010
GETTING TO KNOW MY SON WASN'T EASY
When Harry was born he was a stranger to me. Nobody told me that could happen. That this little man who'd gone everywhere with me the past eight months could be so unfamiliar.

When Harry came there was no pushing, instead there was panic.

He was not placed onto my chest, instead his was compressed as they tried to get his little heart beating again.

When his heart did start his cot was not placed beside my bed for me to watch over him, instead he lay alone in a bright sterile room with only midwives to watch on.

We didn't leave the hospital that week with our new son, instead we went home alone.

That night and for many more after, our two kilo Harry lay in a room that did not know night from day, whilst we lay in our bed trying not to think of the empty nursery on the other side of the wall.

When he finally came home it wasn't much easier. I tried to love breastfeeding, but it felt like a job that robbed me of sleep and made my nipples hurt. People would stare at me feeding him, and with soft far away voices and glazed over eyes they would reminisce about their breastfeeding days.

I thought there was something wrong with me. I felt so alone.

It was never about not loving my son; I loved him from the moment I saw those double lines on that supermarket pregnancy test. It was about getting to know him, and getting to know myself as a mum.

Now when I look at Harry, if I am very quite I can almost hear my heart sigh. When he nuzzles in to my neck and I smell the milk that has pooled in his baby rolls, my legs feel as awkward as a child's beneath me. When he turns towards the sound of my voice and smiles because he recognises his mum, my blood runs a little faster through my veins.

I know I have no right to feel disappointed about a birth that gave me a healthy little boy, and a hospital that cared for him in the beginning in a way that I was not equipped to, but I do.

These things are not supposed to be said, which I presume is why no-one ever said them to me.

But I wish they had.