Little Harry's House

June 16, 2010
LET MY SON SHINE THROUGH

My family and some of my closest friends don't know this yet, for that I am sorry.

Only now that I have begun to admit it to myself do I feel strong enough to admit it to others.

That's not to say that I feel strong. No, this is very hard.

I had depression.

What a yucky stigma there is attached to that word. Depression. A stigma that makes you feel a little less than those around you.

Depression is a heavy blanket to burden, and from beneath it the world looks a little hazy. I don't think it is a blanket I could have lifted on my own, and for that I wish to thank Dan with all my heart.

He was the hand that picked up the corner and allowed a little sunlight in. He gave me the taste of life I had forgotten, and the hand I needed to rise from my slump in the corner.

That blanket looks very different from the outside.

I used to think postnatal depression meant you hated your baby, you were suicidal or crazy.

It very rarely means this.

I think we are so quick to make assumptions on that blanket and those beneath it. For me, it was knowing that others made these assumptions that made coming out from under my blanket that much harder.

I felt like I was living someone else's life. I was playing mum and hoping my act was convincing. I could tell no one. When I finally began to admit this to myself I felt lighter.

For every person I told a little weight lifted, and my blanket became easier to bare.

Thank you to everyone who helped a little more light shine in, and for letting me see that in so many cases you were carrying a blanket of your own.

To my beautiful Harry, please know I never stopped loving you. You have and always will be the sunshine that sparkles through my day, I just needed a little help to make a sparkle that would match yours.

And I did.